I had a dream last night and woke up feeling horrible about myself. So, I'll blog the feeling away.
I've been at Law School now for a week-ish and I've only seen my Ex once. So I really didn't expect to dream about him. Why the hell would I? We've been exes for much longer than we dated and he has a new girlfriend now.
Last night, my dream self hatched a plan, purely to be a total...well, you know. Whats the google policy on bad language?
I was with my Ex and his new girlfriend in a lecture (and we're not doing the same course in real life) and I decided I'd manipulate him into cheating on her with me. So I began crying and made him believe I wanted him back. He came over that night and I continued the charade until he confessed that he wanted to get back together too. At which point he kissed me and then I told him I'd changed my mind and he should just go home to his girlfriend. Then my dream self kicked him out the door knowing that I'd either ended his relationship or he'd know for the rest of it that he'd cheated on her.
Then my best friend was in a car accident and then I woke up. Not sure if she lived. This is also alarming.
Now, I'm no Mother Theresa. I'm not selfless and I'm not always particularly kind. But I'm NOT cruel and so I woke up feeling simply horrible that I'd ever consider such a thing, even in my subconcious. So I'm going to play the Sims 3 now and get the sims of my ex and his girlfriend to get married. That is the most fitting way I can give them my blessing and hopefully rid my subconscious of whatever is going on in there about them.
This dream description, by the way, was a short paraphrase of what I can remember. I am able to remember alot more of my dreams than other people seem to be able too. It is a blessing if the dream is funny but when it is like this dream it can be very creepy to remember every sentence, movement and touch. Eugh.
I think I should try to find someone of my own at Law School. The last week I have started many, many conversations with "Hi, I'm Belle, What's your name?" And I've met some really great people who I think I'm going to be friends with, but no obvious romantic prospects. Ah well. Generally, I like being single.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Murder on the Orient Express
I have just had one of the most profound television experiences of my life. Watching David Suchet play Poirot in the probing mystery 'Murder on the Orient Express' has literally left me gasping for air in the brilliance of his performance and the harsh questions the story puts forward about justice.
David Suchet's performance was one of the best displays of acting I have ever seen. Ever. And I watch alot of television and movies. The story is so much more than other murder mysteries as after it has revealed 'who done it', it goes onto explore their culpability. Brilliantly. I can hardly describe how I felt watching this all play out on screen. Everyone should watch this.
Tonight has been a shining moment in my parasocial life.
David Suchet's performance was one of the best displays of acting I have ever seen. Ever. And I watch alot of television and movies. The story is so much more than other murder mysteries as after it has revealed 'who done it', it goes onto explore their culpability. Brilliantly. I can hardly describe how I felt watching this all play out on screen. Everyone should watch this.
Tonight has been a shining moment in my parasocial life.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Downward Spiral
Today I continue my descent into no-lifedom. I have only done what the truly lovelorn, lost souls do.
I played World of Warcraft.
I have previously played a bit with my brother however now I have my own character, a level 7 Draenai, and I have truly hit the bottom. However the crazy thing is that WoW is so much fun! I played for two hours this morning and it went by in a heartbeat. I felt kind of guilty about killing those Blood Elves though. That's low even for a big blue horned warrior with a massive sword that I looted from, get this... a crab.
But on the reality side, my best friend called and I caught up on her news. However her life is quite similar to mine and so we ended up giving in to our innate nerdiness and discussed plans for a huge Harry Potter movie marathon to coincide with the final film's release. Beats nightclubbing, in my opinion. But after this call I feel more like a person with a vague social life, so kudos to me!
In two weeks I begin Law School and my life will become more footed in reality. I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. It does not help my outlook that my aforementioned best friend is attending medical school on a totally different campus and I'm stuck on my campus with....my ex-boyfriend. Let joy be unconfined.
I played World of Warcraft.
I have previously played a bit with my brother however now I have my own character, a level 7 Draenai, and I have truly hit the bottom. However the crazy thing is that WoW is so much fun! I played for two hours this morning and it went by in a heartbeat. I felt kind of guilty about killing those Blood Elves though. That's low even for a big blue horned warrior with a massive sword that I looted from, get this... a crab.
But on the reality side, my best friend called and I caught up on her news. However her life is quite similar to mine and so we ended up giving in to our innate nerdiness and discussed plans for a huge Harry Potter movie marathon to coincide with the final film's release. Beats nightclubbing, in my opinion. But after this call I feel more like a person with a vague social life, so kudos to me!
In two weeks I begin Law School and my life will become more footed in reality. I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. It does not help my outlook that my aforementioned best friend is attending medical school on a totally different campus and I'm stuck on my campus with....my ex-boyfriend. Let joy be unconfined.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Heightened experience
Well, I got my answer re: peace or heady feelings conundrum. Well, actually just more evidence. I still haven't decided which is better and probably never will.
Today I saw a bunch of my old school friends and it was amazing! One guy and I were so happy to see one another we had one of those movie-style run and lift hugs. Epic moment of pure, flooding happiness. I've spent so much time in the company of the otherwise-existant that I'd forgotton what a proper hug feels like. So one point for heady experiences and real people. But on the other side, once I'd stopped feeling dancey I started worrying what other people though about our reunion, did I look stupid running, will people think we're an item etc. etc. So that's one for the private parasocial relating.
But onto the Buffy thing. Buffy has always been a bit different to my other non-existant friends. I'm not alone among the Joss Whedon fans in feeling that my love and loyalty to the Slayer and her friends just goes beyond what is normal, even for parasocial relationships. I saw a picspam of Buffy smiling the other week and I had tears in my eyes.
I account this to the fact that Buffy got me through some tough times and I know that other people have used the show for strength and solace also. Buffy is a character of tremendous strength and she is helped to have a flawless cast, writing and direction to support her. Buffy can be your strength when you can't find your own. And this is what seems to set her apart particularly to people.
So I can feel emotion about Buffy (particularly at the end of 'The Gift') to rival any real relationship. But at the end of the day I can never run and be held in her arms like I did with my dear friend today. Maybe it's sensation, not emotion, that makes real life worth the messiness.
Today I saw a bunch of my old school friends and it was amazing! One guy and I were so happy to see one another we had one of those movie-style run and lift hugs. Epic moment of pure, flooding happiness. I've spent so much time in the company of the otherwise-existant that I'd forgotton what a proper hug feels like. So one point for heady experiences and real people. But on the other side, once I'd stopped feeling dancey I started worrying what other people though about our reunion, did I look stupid running, will people think we're an item etc. etc. So that's one for the private parasocial relating.
But onto the Buffy thing. Buffy has always been a bit different to my other non-existant friends. I'm not alone among the Joss Whedon fans in feeling that my love and loyalty to the Slayer and her friends just goes beyond what is normal, even for parasocial relationships. I saw a picspam of Buffy smiling the other week and I had tears in my eyes.
I account this to the fact that Buffy got me through some tough times and I know that other people have used the show for strength and solace also. Buffy is a character of tremendous strength and she is helped to have a flawless cast, writing and direction to support her. Buffy can be your strength when you can't find your own. And this is what seems to set her apart particularly to people.
So I can feel emotion about Buffy (particularly at the end of 'The Gift') to rival any real relationship. But at the end of the day I can never run and be held in her arms like I did with my dear friend today. Maybe it's sensation, not emotion, that makes real life worth the messiness.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Friends
I think I should really call one of my friends and you know...talk to them. But every time I honestly think about it, I get scared. I don't know why. I suspect it is a subconcious fear that one day they just won't want to talk to me anymore.
I haven't deliberately seen or talked to anyone who is not related to me in at least two weeks. This strikes me as bad because I've not been busy. I spend all day decorating my dolls house (I'm a miniaturist. This is a craft, not a religion) and watch TV in the evenings. Scrubs, mostly. I wish the Scrubs characters (JD, Turk, Elliot and Carla) were my best friends. I would totally fit in with them. But I could never be a doctor, unfortunately. I have this faint-at-the-thought-of-blood problem.
So as much as I think I should talk to someone real, I am quite content spending all day with JD and co. What is wrong with me? Why do I break out in a cold sweat at the thought of calling someone. Grrr. This always happens to me.
I also find that a completely parasocial existence (as mine has almost entirely been lately) is a good deal more peaceful that a proper social life HOWEVER by god it's not nearly as heady and exhilerating. Which would you rather? Peace and no problems bigger than wondering in which room to put the georgian skirting, or a boatload more drama but the possibility of heightened experiences. This is, in essence, the crux of the parasocial relationship. The experiences are never as intense.
Except sometimes with Buffy. I'll get onto that next time.
I haven't deliberately seen or talked to anyone who is not related to me in at least two weeks. This strikes me as bad because I've not been busy. I spend all day decorating my dolls house (I'm a miniaturist. This is a craft, not a religion) and watch TV in the evenings. Scrubs, mostly. I wish the Scrubs characters (JD, Turk, Elliot and Carla) were my best friends. I would totally fit in with them. But I could never be a doctor, unfortunately. I have this faint-at-the-thought-of-blood problem.
So as much as I think I should talk to someone real, I am quite content spending all day with JD and co. What is wrong with me? Why do I break out in a cold sweat at the thought of calling someone. Grrr. This always happens to me.
I also find that a completely parasocial existence (as mine has almost entirely been lately) is a good deal more peaceful that a proper social life HOWEVER by god it's not nearly as heady and exhilerating. Which would you rather? Peace and no problems bigger than wondering in which room to put the georgian skirting, or a boatload more drama but the possibility of heightened experiences. This is, in essence, the crux of the parasocial relationship. The experiences are never as intense.
Except sometimes with Buffy. I'll get onto that next time.
Monday, February 7, 2011
My New Blog
So you know when you really like a TV, book or movie character? Or when you are startled to remember that you've never actually met those YouTube vloggers? When your last five significent emotional reactions were because of things that never really happened, to people that don't really exist.
Psychologists call this phenomenon 'parasocial relating'. My family calls it "what Belle does."
I'm about to take my first steps into real life. Moving out of home, starting Law School. So this blog's about me, trying to handle the mess of reality while I'd rather be fighting alongside Buffy in Sunnydale, learning spells in Hogwarts or even dating one of those genuinely attractive vloggers who live about fifteen time zones away. My quick gripe today is about them.
It is SO EASY to forget that they are not your friends, that they are not chatting directly to you, and that you've never been in their living rooms. Their personal style is a nightmare for people who struggle with the blurring of fantasy and reality. And yet every day I'm on youtube, checking what mad thing charlieissocoollike has done now.
A few weeks ago I was lying on a double matress on the floor, watching italktosnakes deliver her review of Deathly Hallows-Part 1 on youtube. She had made her video in bed. While watching it slowly dawned on me that it felt exactly like we were chatting while sleeping over together instead of parasocially relating. I shut the video in horror, freaked out by how vivid the feeling was, and then I called someone real and talked to them until I felt like I had a life again.
I am drowning in the goo of the Glee Christmas episode at present. Even for a dedicated fan, this is too much. Except for Kurt/Blaine singing together. I ship them madly. Incidentally I ship passionately and often and in everything that has more than one character, which is basically everything but Castaway.
Psychologists call this phenomenon 'parasocial relating'. My family calls it "what Belle does."
I'm about to take my first steps into real life. Moving out of home, starting Law School. So this blog's about me, trying to handle the mess of reality while I'd rather be fighting alongside Buffy in Sunnydale, learning spells in Hogwarts or even dating one of those genuinely attractive vloggers who live about fifteen time zones away. My quick gripe today is about them.
It is SO EASY to forget that they are not your friends, that they are not chatting directly to you, and that you've never been in their living rooms. Their personal style is a nightmare for people who struggle with the blurring of fantasy and reality. And yet every day I'm on youtube, checking what mad thing charlieissocoollike has done now.
A few weeks ago I was lying on a double matress on the floor, watching italktosnakes deliver her review of Deathly Hallows-Part 1 on youtube. She had made her video in bed. While watching it slowly dawned on me that it felt exactly like we were chatting while sleeping over together instead of parasocially relating. I shut the video in horror, freaked out by how vivid the feeling was, and then I called someone real and talked to them until I felt like I had a life again.
I am drowning in the goo of the Glee Christmas episode at present. Even for a dedicated fan, this is too much. Except for Kurt/Blaine singing together. I ship them madly. Incidentally I ship passionately and often and in everything that has more than one character, which is basically everything but Castaway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)