I want to expand on the issue mentioned at the end of my post about Facebook stalking. Because it is making me crazy.
In the Buffy episode 'The Body', Willow queries "Why can't I just dress like a grown-up? Can't I be a grown-up?" This resonates with me today. Not the dressing part, my wardrobe has few issues. But in terms of acting like a grown-up, I'm all at sea. Suddenly I'm supposed to be an adult and it occurred to me that it's not something that just comes naturally once you turn eighteen. Nobody mentioned that. I just thought that I'd be good at it once I was one, but this is not the case.
Today I feel like my fifteen year old self, all giddy and excited over a new THAT person. I haven't had a regular heartbeat all day. I feel breathless and excited and heady. I don't know why I'm so surprised I feel like this, but I really did think that it would be an exclusively High School feeling. In hindsight, this was a silly presumption. If one can be pathetic at seventeen, one can be pathetic at eighteen. And yet it's come as a surprise.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not a silly young girl anymore to stop myself sinking into silly teenage habits. Like Mr. Darcy in the BBC adaption I'm saying: "I shall conquer this! I shall!"
It's just that I can't will my heart to resume a regular beating pattern, that one just comes naturally. And I can't make my brain stop swimming in hormones. So how does one conquer this? It's just as irrepressible as when I was fifteen, except then everyone felt it and talked about it constantly, and now it's just me saying firmly "get over it right now, Belle!"
Can't I just be a grown-up?
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