Love

So I have a question. Why can TV make you believe in love more than love does?

TV love makes my heart warm, my limbs relax and buzz and just generally makes me happy. The hope you get from TV love is real, dammit, no matter how misguided it may be. I just saw the Glee episode with THAT kiss...you know which one I'm talking about. Who'da thought two guys kissing could be so hot and sweet at the same time. It was a perfect moment and guess what? My heart warmed. My limbs buzzed. Etc. Etc.

Contrast this to the feelings that personal romantic disasters bring me. Cringiness, regret, guilt, frustration. And you'd think romantic possibility would feel great, right? Not even close. That comes with awkwardness and helplessness and the feeling of: Why am I even bothering when this will all end in tears?

And then TV love makes you believe in love again. So you try real love again. And it ends in tears. It's a vicious cycle. Do you reckon we'd even bother to try again after our first major break-up if it wasn't for TV? I'm not an expert in romance, I've only ridden that crazy-fast, sickening merry-go-round twice (just FYI, both times ended in....ding ding ding! That's right, folks, it's tears!)

So after that ridiculously convoluted preamble I'm actually going to try and answer one of my questions for once.

I think TV love makes me believe in love more than real life because it's serialized. It's compartmentalized. If you're favourite couple breaks up, you can always watch a previous episode in which they were happy. And just for the time between the opening and closing credits, it's all ok again. It's segregated from the rest of the mess.

Life doesn't work like that at all. You can't separate the messy bits so much. In my mind, the love gets all lumped in with the lies. There's no memory compartment marked "good stuff." As soon a a relationship breaks, it has to have always been broken. If you dwell too much on the good bits then you fall into 'wanting them back.' That works for fictional couples, you can pine all you want and it won't change what the writers did. But you'll always feel that maybe you could have/should have saved the real relationships and that's worse.

So what's the bright side of this? What's the bit that we can learn from TV love and apply to reality to make it a little brighter? Right now, I don't know. I've got nothing. Can't quite find a reason to stay in real life and not just jump into the TV. TV couples don't have to risk anything for love, because it's formulaic. They will get together if they're risking something, because that means that the producers are playing with you for a while before giving you what you want.

So what's so great about real life on this one? Don't know. I'll get to the warm-fuzzy stage of a relationship with some poor idiot and then I'll let you know.

Brittana shook my Glee world

I was left pretty thrown after Glee the other day. Brittany and Santana was NOT a couple I'd seen coming. I knew people shipped them but I thought it was kinda like shipping Hermione/Ginny; fun to think about as a hypothetical but NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Brittany and Santana had had sexual encounters that I had no idea about thanks to Australian television networks censoring same-sex kissing. That scene in 'Duets' where they make out and Brittany ends up feeling rejected and it sets her on the course of going out with Artie? Well the Ten Network decided I was too delicate to see that and as a result the whole Brittany/Artie thing never made alot of sense. Thank you very much Ten. I would like to point out that they kept in the scene of Brittany preparing to *word that rhymes with duck* Artie later and practically showed Finn fondling Rachael in 'Grilled Cheesus'. Censorship committees are so homophobic.

But even if I'd known about that incident, I reckon this still would have seemed left field. I read up on it and saw a long list of clues that people had noticed and it yet it still wasn't sitting right with me.  Santana went from a very bitchy kind of bully one week, who tried to break up Finn and Rachael, and then suddenly she was the one we should all feel sorry for because she had confusing feelings for Brittany.

So I was like: "Wait, what? Really? Those Brittana shippers weren't crazy?"

And then they talked to Holly Holliday and sang that song together and the answer came that Brittana shippers were actually kind of brilliant. THEY were the Ron/Hermione shippers of the Glee world and I was the Harry/Hermione shipper who missed the Big Damn Anvil.

And yes, that song they sang made me cry. How could it not? Did you see Santana's face, it would've broken your heart. Especially the lines:

 Well, I've been afraid of changing 
cos I've built my life around you.

So in the end I thought 'meh', and I let that scene convert me. Any couple that can make me cry just by singing and looking at each other deserves my shipping energy. And I never got Artie/Brittany anyways.

On a finale note, that song the Warblers did in Glee was the most ridiculous and over-the-top numbers ever on Glee. I mean, spraying bubbles in a warehouse and dancing around? Seems porn-esque! Where'd they get a huge bubble hose? Where'd they get a warehouse?

My Ex-Boyfriend

I had a dream last night and woke up feeling horrible about myself. So, I'll blog the feeling away.

I've been at Law School now for a week-ish and I've only seen my Ex once. So I really didn't expect to dream about him. Why the hell would I? We've been exes for much longer than we dated and he has a new girlfriend now.

Last night, my dream self hatched a plan, purely to be a total...well, you know. Whats the google policy on bad language?

I was with my Ex and his new girlfriend in a lecture (and we're not doing the same course in real life) and I decided I'd manipulate him into cheating on her with me. So I began crying and made him believe I wanted him back. He came over that night and I continued the charade until he confessed that he wanted to get back together too. At which point he kissed me and then I told him I'd changed my mind and he should just go home to his girlfriend. Then my dream self kicked him out the door knowing that I'd either ended his relationship or he'd know for the rest of it that he'd cheated on her.

Then my best friend was in a car accident and then I woke up. Not sure if she lived. This is also alarming.

Now, I'm no Mother Theresa. I'm not selfless and I'm not always particularly kind. But I'm NOT cruel and so I woke up feeling simply horrible that I'd ever consider such a thing, even in my subconcious. So I'm going to play the Sims 3 now and get the sims of my ex and his girlfriend to get married. That is the most fitting way I can give them my blessing and hopefully rid my subconscious of whatever is going on in there about them.

This dream description, by the way, was a short paraphrase of what I can remember. I am able to remember alot more of my dreams than other people seem to be able too. It is a blessing if the dream is funny but when it is like this dream it can be very creepy to remember every sentence, movement and touch. Eugh.

I think I should try to find someone of my own at Law School. The last week I have started many, many conversations with "Hi, I'm Belle, What's your name?" And I've met some really great people who I think I'm going to be friends with, but no obvious romantic prospects. Ah well. Generally, I like being single.

Murder on the Orient Express

I have just had one of the most profound television experiences of my life. Watching David Suchet play Poirot in the probing mystery 'Murder on the Orient Express' has literally left me gasping for air in the brilliance of his performance and the harsh questions the story puts forward about justice.

David Suchet's performance was one of the best displays of acting I have ever seen. Ever. And I watch alot of television and movies. The story is so much more than other murder mysteries as after it has revealed 'who done it', it goes onto explore their culpability. Brilliantly. I can hardly describe how I felt watching this all play out on screen. Everyone should watch this.

Tonight has been a shining moment in my parasocial life.

Downward Spiral

Today I continue my descent into no-lifedom. I have only done what the truly lovelorn, lost souls do.

I played World of Warcraft.

I have previously played a bit with my brother however now I have my own character, a level 7 Draenai, and I have truly hit the bottom. However the crazy thing is that WoW is so much fun! I played for two hours this morning and it went by in a heartbeat. I felt kind of guilty about killing those Blood Elves though. That's low even for a big blue horned warrior with a massive sword that I looted from, get this... a crab.

But on the reality side, my best friend called and I caught up on her news. However her life is quite similar to mine and so we ended up giving in to our innate nerdiness and discussed plans for a huge Harry Potter movie marathon to coincide with the final film's release. Beats nightclubbing, in my opinion. But after this call I feel more like a person with a vague social life, so kudos to me!

In two weeks I begin Law School and my life will become more footed in reality. I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. It does not help my outlook that my aforementioned best friend is attending medical school on a totally different campus and I'm stuck on my campus with....my ex-boyfriend. Let joy be unconfined.  

Heightened experience

Well, I got my answer re: peace or heady feelings conundrum. Well, actually just more evidence. I still haven't decided which is better and probably never will.

 Today I saw a bunch of my old school friends and it was amazing! One guy and I were so happy to see one another we had one of those movie-style run and lift hugs. Epic moment of pure, flooding happiness. I've spent so much time in the company of the otherwise-existant that I'd forgotton what a proper hug feels like. So one point for heady experiences and real people. But on the other side, once I'd stopped feeling dancey I started worrying what other people though about our reunion, did I look stupid running, will people think we're an item etc. etc. So that's one for the private parasocial relating.

But onto the Buffy thing. Buffy has always been a bit different to my other non-existant friends. I'm not alone among the Joss Whedon fans in feeling that my love and loyalty to the Slayer and her friends just goes beyond what is normal, even for parasocial relationships. I saw a picspam of Buffy smiling the other week and I had tears in my eyes.

I account this to the fact that Buffy got me through some tough times and I know that other people have used the show for strength and solace also. Buffy is a character of tremendous strength and she is helped to have a flawless cast, writing and direction to support her. Buffy can be your strength when you can't find your own. And this is what seems to set her apart particularly to people.

So I can feel emotion about Buffy (particularly at the end of 'The Gift') to rival any real relationship. But at the end of the day I can never run and be held in her arms like I did with my dear friend today. Maybe it's sensation, not emotion, that makes real life worth the messiness.

Friends

I think I should really call one of my friends and you know...talk to them. But every time I honestly think about it, I get scared. I don't know why. I suspect it is a subconcious fear that one day they just won't want to talk to me anymore.

I haven't deliberately seen or talked to anyone who is not related to me in at least two weeks. This strikes me as bad because I've not been busy. I spend all day decorating my dolls house (I'm a miniaturist. This is a craft, not a religion) and watch TV in the evenings. Scrubs, mostly. I wish the Scrubs characters (JD, Turk, Elliot and Carla) were my best friends. I would totally fit in with them. But I could never be a doctor, unfortunately. I have this faint-at-the-thought-of-blood problem.

So as much as I think I should talk to someone real, I am quite content spending all day with JD and co. What is wrong with me? Why do I break out in a cold sweat at the thought of calling someone. Grrr. This always happens to me.

I also find that a completely parasocial existence (as mine has almost entirely been lately) is a good deal more peaceful that a proper social life HOWEVER by god it's not nearly as heady and exhilerating. Which would you rather? Peace and no problems bigger than wondering in which room to put the georgian skirting, or a boatload more drama but the possibility of heightened experiences. This is, in essence, the crux of the parasocial relationship. The experiences are never as intense.

Except sometimes with Buffy. I'll get onto that next time.