Hate, Exes and My Uni Bestie.

On Tuesday night me and my Uni Bestie (not to be confused with my Best Friend, they're two different people...I really must give all these people Blog names) went to the bus stop together and there under the glow of a streetlamp was my Ex-boyfriend.

My Uni Bestie knew me in High School, but not very well, so she'd never seen me interacting with him. Under the streetlamp, he and I bantered a bit while she looked on. I was kind of mean to him, calling him a nerd etc. etc. but he took it all in his stride as usual and teased me back. It was a typical conversation for us.

When he got on his bus, my Uni Bestie turned to me and said:

"Belle, don't get angry, but seriously; you guys will be back together in five years or so."

"What?! Why?" I said, genuinely perplexed since we'd just teased and insulted each other. I ran that thought by her.

"That's why you'll work," She said, "I reckon you have to be able to hate someone to properly love them."

Which was a very interesting thought. At first I wasn't sure what she was getting at and I didn't think that her me-getting-back-with-my-ex theory had alot to it. But the next day I thought about it in terms of power and control. Maybe not hate, but you have to be able to be angry at someone if you're going to have a functioning relationship.

I thought about another failed relationship I'd had where I simply couldn't admit the other parties guilt. EVER. I couldn't be mad at him, I always blamed myself. No power, no control, no self respect. You have to be able to feel angry at someone and to tell them, otherwise you're powerless in love. And that's not healthy. So maybe my Uni Bestie in her own special blunt way, came across this thought. It wasn't a new thought in the scheme of the world by a long chalk. But it was new for us, being young and having our heads in gossip magazines.   

In other news, my Hogwarts Robe and Tie have arrived. They're perfectly wonderful! And I have recommenced watching Smallville after about seven months. So I'll probably be blogging about that too now, as Chloe Sullivan is one of my greatest and most dedicated parasocial relationships. She is the most awesome hacking-sneaking-Watchtowering blonde chick the DC-verse has ever seen and I have worshipped her since I first saw my very first episode of Smallville. Not to put in spoilers, but that thing she does at the end of the Season 10 premiere episode? I wept. No, seriously. Wept.

To J. K Rowling, From Everyone.

I have had several arguments lately concerning whether or not Harry Potter can be seen as a gateway to Satanism. It REALLY annoys me when people say it is. Ooooh! Witchcraft in a book with childish fairytale elements like wands and broomsticks and making potions from slugs. That sure sounds mightily similar to some neopagan religions. There was even that bit in Harry Potter where they danced naked around a pentagram....oh wait. NO THERE WASN'T.

That, FYI, was sarcasm.

Also I think that it is a HUGE jump to go from Wiccan/Neopagan religions to outright satanism. These religions really don't have anything to do with the Christian idea of Satan. That's a whole other rant of mine. But my arguees thought that witchcraft and satanism were synonomous so that's why I'm discussing it in terms of those religions.

I put it to to whole world (or at least any bored surfers who stumble upon my blog): Harry Potter is fairytale style magic. Like Lord of the Rings, The Wizard of Oz, Narnia Series, Cinderella etc etc. You want magic that even closely resembles any real-life wiccan/neopagan religion, then read Witches of Eileanan or watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Ah...but it's the values behind the magic in Harry Potter that's so dangerous, the Haters say to me. It's the way they use magic.

Really? A young boy fighting a fight he didn't ask to be in, just because it's right. A brainy girl working not for her own glory but for the good of the people she loves. An adorable redhead kid who at the end of the day just wanted to use magic to get a yellow rat. Are these bad uses of magic? And throw in the messages of tolerance, inclusion, belonging, anti-slavery, bravery, sacrifice, kids with glasses being cool and LOVE as the greatest weapon and you've got a morality bomb. As it it will bomb the world with good, strong values. Actually a bomb really isn't the best metaphor here, but you get my meaning.

The people I argued with tried to tell me that I'd missed the point, that you can bring across all these values without presenting dangerous ideas of magic. And I argued back strongly with examples from the books (which they admitted they haven't read) and they just kept knocking me back and vice versa and I don't care at the end of the day. Well, I care enough to blog about it but I just like the sound of my own voice mostly.

I don't care because no one has written a non-magic contemporary book that has affected the world so deeply and has such good messages as Harry Potter. I'm don't disagree that they could, but my point is no one has. J.K Rowling has done that through her unique, wonderful, magical world. She took the world by storm and a lot of lives are better for it. I know mine is.

So the HP Haters can go on squawking from their pulpits about how it will lead children to Satanism while I go out and watch what's really happening: kids, teens and beyond coming together and connecting with each other over the last movie this July. Having imaginative fun without drugs or alcohol which I think we can all agree are more widespread health problems than satanism anyway. People will be dressing up, getting excited and just a for tiny moment, they might even believe in magic again, just like when we were kids and we were waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. I don't kow about you, but I think it's marvellous that Harry Potter can make one feel like that again. I think that's a remarkable gift to the world.

So Thankyou, J. K Rowling. You made my childhood really special. You helped me find my Best Friend. And your world can still make me believe in magic. Thankyou.

What is 'A Life' and how did I get one?

Finally, after years of searching. After grasping in the dark and coming out with nothing. After a long and nerdy High School I finally feel as though I may have acquired what I was once pleaded with to get.

Namely: A Life.

That's right folks, I've gotten a life. Might be temporary, I'm not sure. It's basically because of the unnatural amount of eighteenth birthday parties lately. But I have been out Friday night, Saturday night and now again tonight. And I've been invited to another party in a few weeks.

Tonight I am pondering the ramifications of having an actual life. The having of a life is fairly subjective, though, as I still spent Saturday ordering Harry Potter costumes and today cleaning my Dolls House. But in spite of my newfound socialiability I don't feel any different. It's just a subtle change beneath the surface, a new knowledge that I have a life rather than not. I do feel tireder. Especially after Saturday night which was the wildest party I've ever been to and anyone who was there would acknowledge that as an indicator of just how sheltered and life-less I've been in the past.

So I'm not sure why everyone was so keen for me to get a life all through High School. I'm still annoying and nerdy, they are just exposed to it more now. Heh. What a revelation. Getting a life really does benefit me first and foremost. Because although I can't pinpoint the difference exactly, I think I could really get to like this having a life thing.

Honestly though, if I had to choose between having a life and having the gorgeous Gryffindor robe that will shortly be coming my way, I'd take the robe every time. So I haven't changed that much.

Everyone has a THAT person

That is a dramatic title but bear with me. My bitch for tonight is highly relatable. It's about that person who is so sublimely attractive to you that it won't matter that:

a) You have not much in common
b) The relationship wouldn't work anyway
c) You haven't spoken in ages
d) They don't even like you like that and never will

You'll still turn to a total pile of quivering, non-breathing jelly at the sight of them.

There are people you like that make more sense.

There are people you like that you have a better shot with.

There are people who actually like you!

But nevertheless...THAT person has the greatest effect every time. What's that about?!

Shakespeare wrote that "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind." I think this is complete bollocks. If I fell in love with the options my common sense suggests I'd be happily dating someone instead of blogging my singleness misery to the oblivion of the internet. My love (read: lust) really doesn't look with the mind. If it did it wouldn't consider the taken people, siblings of friends (BIG no-no), people of a really conflicting religion to mine, people of a non-corresponding sexual orientation....and yet all of these inconvenient roadblocks I have faced because my eyes are in the drivers seat of my affections.

Just FYI, as it's already pretty obvious, I had an encounter with my THAT person today. Lots of hugging, lots of 'miss you', lots of covert omigod-omigod-omigod on my part. And now I just feel restless from it. Doesn't matter that I've spent the two months without seeing them carefully packing my feelings away and moving on, ten minutes in their gorgeous presence and WHAM! totally in love again.

I really sicken myself. But good news: that little facebook crush I did manage to suppress. I knew it had to be boredom.

Not Doing Homework

No topic. Just me trying not to do my Legal Writing Assignment. And succeeding!

I'm so sick of emotions, frankly. They rule my life and I can't rule them back. People say you can but I don't believe it. I'm sure if I really could turn off feelings I would've figured out how by now, out of desperation. But I can't. They just come out of nowhere and complicate my life. And yet they are life. They make up our lives. What's that about?

At the moment I am stunned by the kind of life I get to lead and who I get to be. I used to be a nerdy little plain thing in a private school uniform with two long plaits and a huge vocabulary. I kept the vocabulary (and it comes in handy at Law School) but otherwise I dress so differently, my hair is different, the type of people I spend my days with is completely different (people at Law School are in general a little pretentious). I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think:
"What's with the jumped up little high school nerd who thinks she can be a hot law student all of a sudden. What's her problem?"

It's just this thought that niggles at me. "Is this really my life? Do I seriously get to be this person?" It sounds odd because I'm complaining that my life is too good, and that's absurd. I'm aware of this. But yet it just niggles at me.

Of course the old me would've said something like "But that's what you look like, not who you are." And she's right. I am absolutely no different from the be-plaited little nerd. The transplantedness I feel is from missing all the other trappings of High School; my friends, my classrooms, the theatre and trees and teachers. There is zero similarity between last year and this year. No continuity whatsoever and I've never dealt with that before. That's why I feel like a totally different person, trying to fit a life that's not mine.

Wow. How come whenever I have an issue I can mull it for weeks but as soon as I blog it it just becomes clear? Remind me to blog about my Uni Bestie and my complicated and hopeless feelings for misc. person or persons I can't have and don't really want when it comes right down to it.

But mostly I am very happy. I love what I'm learning, the law is awesomely cool. I have made some great friends, most of whom are not single, but that's a whole other post.

And on an ironic note, I have just this very hour developed a little crush on someone. Normal? Hardly. I developed a little crush on someone over facebook! I mean WTF? How does that even happen? I got facebook a week ago and it's already become another outlet for my pathetic romanticness. I sicken myself by how fluttery and excited I feel right now about someone I wouldn't have spared a thought for before they friended me on bloody facebook. I'm sure it'll go away...it doesn't feel serious. And anyways they're taken. Love triumphs over me once again.

Love

So I have a question. Why can TV make you believe in love more than love does?

TV love makes my heart warm, my limbs relax and buzz and just generally makes me happy. The hope you get from TV love is real, dammit, no matter how misguided it may be. I just saw the Glee episode with THAT kiss...you know which one I'm talking about. Who'da thought two guys kissing could be so hot and sweet at the same time. It was a perfect moment and guess what? My heart warmed. My limbs buzzed. Etc. Etc.

Contrast this to the feelings that personal romantic disasters bring me. Cringiness, regret, guilt, frustration. And you'd think romantic possibility would feel great, right? Not even close. That comes with awkwardness and helplessness and the feeling of: Why am I even bothering when this will all end in tears?

And then TV love makes you believe in love again. So you try real love again. And it ends in tears. It's a vicious cycle. Do you reckon we'd even bother to try again after our first major break-up if it wasn't for TV? I'm not an expert in romance, I've only ridden that crazy-fast, sickening merry-go-round twice (just FYI, both times ended in....ding ding ding! That's right, folks, it's tears!)

So after that ridiculously convoluted preamble I'm actually going to try and answer one of my questions for once.

I think TV love makes me believe in love more than real life because it's serialized. It's compartmentalized. If you're favourite couple breaks up, you can always watch a previous episode in which they were happy. And just for the time between the opening and closing credits, it's all ok again. It's segregated from the rest of the mess.

Life doesn't work like that at all. You can't separate the messy bits so much. In my mind, the love gets all lumped in with the lies. There's no memory compartment marked "good stuff." As soon a a relationship breaks, it has to have always been broken. If you dwell too much on the good bits then you fall into 'wanting them back.' That works for fictional couples, you can pine all you want and it won't change what the writers did. But you'll always feel that maybe you could have/should have saved the real relationships and that's worse.

So what's the bright side of this? What's the bit that we can learn from TV love and apply to reality to make it a little brighter? Right now, I don't know. I've got nothing. Can't quite find a reason to stay in real life and not just jump into the TV. TV couples don't have to risk anything for love, because it's formulaic. They will get together if they're risking something, because that means that the producers are playing with you for a while before giving you what you want.

So what's so great about real life on this one? Don't know. I'll get to the warm-fuzzy stage of a relationship with some poor idiot and then I'll let you know.

Brittana shook my Glee world

I was left pretty thrown after Glee the other day. Brittany and Santana was NOT a couple I'd seen coming. I knew people shipped them but I thought it was kinda like shipping Hermione/Ginny; fun to think about as a hypothetical but NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Brittany and Santana had had sexual encounters that I had no idea about thanks to Australian television networks censoring same-sex kissing. That scene in 'Duets' where they make out and Brittany ends up feeling rejected and it sets her on the course of going out with Artie? Well the Ten Network decided I was too delicate to see that and as a result the whole Brittany/Artie thing never made alot of sense. Thank you very much Ten. I would like to point out that they kept in the scene of Brittany preparing to *word that rhymes with duck* Artie later and practically showed Finn fondling Rachael in 'Grilled Cheesus'. Censorship committees are so homophobic.

But even if I'd known about that incident, I reckon this still would have seemed left field. I read up on it and saw a long list of clues that people had noticed and it yet it still wasn't sitting right with me.  Santana went from a very bitchy kind of bully one week, who tried to break up Finn and Rachael, and then suddenly she was the one we should all feel sorry for because she had confusing feelings for Brittany.

So I was like: "Wait, what? Really? Those Brittana shippers weren't crazy?"

And then they talked to Holly Holliday and sang that song together and the answer came that Brittana shippers were actually kind of brilliant. THEY were the Ron/Hermione shippers of the Glee world and I was the Harry/Hermione shipper who missed the Big Damn Anvil.

And yes, that song they sang made me cry. How could it not? Did you see Santana's face, it would've broken your heart. Especially the lines:

 Well, I've been afraid of changing 
cos I've built my life around you.

So in the end I thought 'meh', and I let that scene convert me. Any couple that can make me cry just by singing and looking at each other deserves my shipping energy. And I never got Artie/Brittany anyways.

On a finale note, that song the Warblers did in Glee was the most ridiculous and over-the-top numbers ever on Glee. I mean, spraying bubbles in a warehouse and dancing around? Seems porn-esque! Where'd they get a huge bubble hose? Where'd they get a warehouse?